Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
