Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
