his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
