The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
