YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
