My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
