you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize