Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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