Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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