I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
