Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
