the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
