my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
