You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
