please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize