I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
