Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
