it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
