1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize