You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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