I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
