OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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