Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
