I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You ate ashes out of my bong
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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