you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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