Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize