first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
