I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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