Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
