Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
