yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
