my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I understand Curling. That high.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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