why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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