just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
