Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
