I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
