Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
