Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
