im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
