I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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