and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
