Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize