You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
