I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
