I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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