Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We left an ass print on the piano.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
