The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
