Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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