I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
