i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
