I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
