My sheets look like a crime scene.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize