I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
