One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
