I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
