i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's blow job season.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
