i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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