guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
