I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
