I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
