my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
