I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
