if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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