Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just cut my nipple shaving
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
