I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Boobs are out for the taking
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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