so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
