Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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