I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
