it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
