so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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