the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
